Rethinking My Hook
And Query Letter... And Summary... And Entire Pitch in General
I spent a good part of 2024 querying agents to no avail. All said and done I queried 32 agents (is that a lot?), which is every agent on the Manuscript Wishlist that was open to queries for new fantasy novels at the time. I heard back from 18 of them- all rejections. At this point, I think it’s safe to say that the remaining 14 have also rejected my work but were unable to send a reply.
As a former educator, I still often think in terms of letter grades and percentages. At best that’s a 14/32 chance of still receiving a request for more pages. That’s a 43% possible approval rating, which is unquestionably an F.
I lamented this in a previous post on rejection, so I won’t harp on the same dreary subject again. Because the thing is, I know my idea is good. That’s not my ego speaking. I’ve written two other complete books and I would not say that about them. (see also: my dating history.) This idea though is really good. AND I actually think the writing is pretty damn good to boot.
I will not let this good idea die in a Scrivener file on my laptop. While self-publishing is a very real option (one that I get more excited about by the day) there’s a huge part of me that still seeks the prowess of “traditional” publishing. An agent, a team, and a big (or not so big) check that says, “We believe in this book!”
So today, I wondered, somehow for the first time, is it my pitch that is lacking? And I thought I’d try a little exercise in rethinking that and ask you, my reader, to vote on which you liked best.
The Crippling Impact of Rejection
In my inaugural post (if you’ve been with me that long) I mentioned that I have been writing a novel. I have been writing stories my whole life, but this is the first one that I’ve truly believed in. I’ve put my blood, sweat, and a lot of time into it. I joined a writing school and finished an editing class that helped me take this novel from an idea to a story, to a whole different story, to the completed manuscript that it is now.
Old Pitch
Hook: The Last Empress tells the story of Lia, a young woman in a crumbling realm under strict patriarchal rule who learns she is the only one still alive with the power to change the world.
Summary: 500 years after the Fall of the Last Empress, the magical and tyrannical former leader of PanaTerras, The Council of Men is still afraid. Though she is believed to be long dead, they blame God’s wrath on women for the ever-worsening earthquakes and firestorms and have enacted strict laws to control them. Lia, however, has a secret. Before her father died and her mother disappeared, they taught her to read and write. Now, her illicit habit is fed by her best friend Tiberius, who is being groomed to lead the Council of Men one day and has harbored a secret love for Lia since they were children. Lia and Tiberius find themselves on opposite sides of the battle when the Last Empress, still alive, kidnaps Lia for her world-changing powers. Lia learns the Council’s version of history may not be the truth, and is forced to choose between Tiberius and a future she never knew existed.
Told from the perspectives of Lia, Tiberius, the Last Empress, and Lia’s lost mother who harbors the key to unlocking Lia’s powers, THE LAST EMPRESS is a story of injustice, love, and the strength of women.
New Pitch
Hook: What if the history you have learned, that is written in your books and is the foundation for your world, was a lie?
Summary: Centuries after defeating the Last Empress, the magical former leader of PanaTerras, The Council of Men is still afraid. Though she is believed to be long dead, they blame God’s wrath on women for the ever-worsening disasters plaguing the realm and have enacted strict laws to control them. Lia, however, has a secret. Before her father died and her mother disappeared, they broke those laws and taught her to read and write. Now, her illicit habit is fed by her best friend Bear, who is being groomed to lead the Council of Men one day. Bear has harbored a secret love for Lia since they were children, but their differing classes forbid him from acting on his feelings.
When Lia is jailed, awaiting her hanging for breaking the law, The Last Empress, still alive, rescues her and ferries her away from the Capytal. Suddenly, Lia and Bear find themselves on opposite sides of a battle they thought was only in history books. Lia learns that history, though, may not be the real truth, and she alone has the magic to change everything. Training to wield her magic, she is forced to choose between Bear and a future she never knew existed. Told from the perspectives of Lia, Bear, the Last Empress, and Lia’s lost mother, who harbors the key to unlocking Lia’s world-changing powers, The Last Empress is a story of injustice, love, and the power of women.
Vote!
Now it’s your turn! Please give me some feedback on which of these hooks is more enticing to you, a potential reader.
Thank you for reading!
The New Pitch is superb, because we have all experienced the “relearning of true history.”